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Today I am going to talk about my inner calling. I think I have found it and want to share it with you. Writing, though is not my forte, is like exploring my inner self. It helps me reach the end like a good friend.
Inner calling or as they say the objective of your existence, has always been a topic of interest for me. Everyone is assigned a certain job by the Almighty. We all have a reason to come into this world. I used to hear and read about it, wondering how is it possible to know 'why am I here'.
Is it really important to know the reason of my existence? Yes….thats the question, to know the reason of my birth, to know my part of duties, my role in this whole drama. What will happen if I don’t bother myself with this question and lead a normal, regular, comfortable life? Successful and satisfied by all standards.....
As it was to be, my inner conflict started reflecting on my daily life as well, my business, people around me, in fact everything. I felt as if I was dragging something very heavy along with me. I started doubting myself. I was loosing confidence. I thought probably I am one of those who are born dissatisfied. Nothing can make them happy. Once again I wanted to pause and check. What am I doing? Is this what I really wanted to do? Expensive cloths, bags and jewelry were not making me happy anymore. I was back to square one. It was frustrating. I thought all my efforts to lead a fulfilled life have gone down the drain.
No…probably what I did so far was important as well. Nothing happens without a reason. May be my journey so far had led me towards my real destination…. The final destination.
Many people take a u turn before that in frustration. They choose to forget about it and return to their life which is usually without any goal. Most of the existence exists not knowing why they exist. I can’t be one of those.
March, 2015 I came to know that the lump which I was carrying in my body from past few months was actually malignant. I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Today most of my treatment is over and rest will be finished by april,2016. One full year I will complete sitting at home.. hibernating. This would be a big mental and physical trial for anyone, but I believe that there must be something behind why I got this disease. I was sitting at home from past one year doing nothing, still believing that there is something good in it as well.. may be I can’t see it right now but there has to be some reason behind this stopover in my life.
I was to get it and I got it, but how I faced it is very important. I have never put deliberate efforts to be positive during this whole trial. It just came naturally to me. I was stable and effortlessly comfortable during the procedure. My reaction and behavior surprises me also at times. It forces me to think about it. How can somebody be so stable in such a scenario?
I find only one answer to all my questions. My Ishwar(God) and Guru were always beside me. Gurudev on my left and God on my right side. They both have hand held me throughout. They have lifted me up and made me cross this fire. Now also when I am writing this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of gratitude… I feel proud to be blessed. Do you remember the feeling when you first came to know that you are your teacher’s favorite in class?
I have always been a theist but this disease has made me stand in front of that Parmatma, feel his presence and his hand on my head. I am not alone anymore. I can not explain in words what is happening to me. All I can say is it seems as if thousands of doors have opened. There is so much of light and clarity. I am enthusiastic about possibilities in life like never before. Everything seems possible. I am confident and at peace. I know I too have a guardian… the best amongst the lot.
Yes, my disease can be called the turning point in my life. There is a big shift in how I look at life now. I realize and finally accept the fact that people are more important than things. We have one life. I don’t know what happens after death but I know for sure what I want in this life itself. I WANT HAPPINESS…. FOR OTHERS. That is what makes me happy, contented and fulfilled. This is what I always wanted to do and was not aware of. This is what makes me complete. This is my inner calling.
THE INNER CONFLICT…
We need to stop here and think. What would have happened if I had not paused for a moment and thought about it, inspite of leading a great life why I still feel unfulfilled? A sense of incompleteness was hiding… some where deep inside me.
Yes.. actually I was lacking something, not knowing what it is but at the same time was getting sure day by day that I was not doing something I came for. There was an inner conflict. A complicated riddle which I had to solve.
FINDING MY SKELETONS…
Many things were missing in life which could bring the discomfort I was experiencing. It could be a loving childhood, a fairytale love affair which could give me some emotional anchoring. It could be the frustration of not getting selected in Indian Air Force or in IIM Ahmedabad.
Any damn reason for that matter. But show me one single person on this earth whose all the dreams have come true, including the crazy fantasies. My life was not that bad. Most of my wishes are a reality today and I am leading a life I had set for myself. I should be happy but surprisingly I was not. I was still lacking something… something very very significant. That was the beginning of my voyage....
THE TREASURE HUNT BEGINS…
I started searching for something to fill that void. I decided to be happy and do things which give me happiness. The idea was if I am happy and contented, I can spread the same thing around me. My relationships will be good and all other problems will get solved easily. I realized that I need a meaningful occupation with good money and satisfaction at the same time.
So I came out of my shelter and joined a business, the so called meaningful occupation and money was also good. I started doing some charities also with the spare money I had saved after pampering myself. It so happened that I sponsored two poor kids for their education.
THERE SEEM TO BE NO RESPITE….
Life was great. Good business, good health, good lifestyle and above all I was busy. I didn't have time to think about negatives. Eight years went by. I was leading the kind of life I had selected for myself and was leading it quite well. My family, friends, everyone was proud of me.
Things were just perfect…. But again I started facing the same turmoil within. I was still not at peace. When I used to sit with myself and introspect I could see thousands of questions in my mind, without any answer. The tidal waves of my mind left me jittery.
Have you ever noticed an arrow? It stretches back to gain momentum. The more it goes back, the more distance it covers ahead. Life is also like that. The more you feel being pulled back by situations and challenges, the nearer you find yourself to your goal eventually. And the best part of the whole game is that you don’t even realize it at that point of time. You are so unaware of the fact that what you have been searching your whole life was just around the corner. You could not see it then or couldn’t recognize it (as it was in my case). It is only when you reach there you stumble on it and get a sweet surprise…” oh, it was so close”.
THE TURNING POINT…
I was still adamant in my search. I had decided to keep exploring till I get my heaven. Suddenly something happened which no one could imagine even in their wildest dreams... including me.
My ordeal started. I was operated upon. This was followed by chemotherapy and radiation. All this took around seven months. Strangely enough I was quite stable and unmoved during the whole treatment. I faced everything with good mental and physical strength. Somewhere I had this feeling that God himself was there, taking care of me.
FOUND MY GOLDEN URN…
Gradually I realized that my cancer has gifted me something very precious… the mental stability and peace. It has made me more humble, see the importance of life, the entire existence. How conveniently we take all this for granted till we almost loose it. I feel blessed to get this life. I can clearly feel God is with me giving me strength and positivity. In fact I believe that He has timed my disease in such a perfect way that all the sufferings became within my tolerance level. My kids have grown up and are independent. I am still young and strong enough to bear the treatment. Above all I got best of medical attention, care and have survived. Many people are not lucky enough.
JUST LIKE THAT …. 20.4.16
My treatment has got over but still I have to see my doctor and go through many tests to finally ascertain that cancer is out of my body. I am expecting the best as always.
Life has taken a total U turn. This disease has chastised my body and soul. I feel pure and have decided not to get into anything which drags me back into the same dirty darkness i have left behind. My soul is completely cured of bad wounds of past decisions and their memories. I have come out of all that like a lotus in mud.
Past one year of my treatment was like a refreshing bath God has given to my soul. All my bad karmas have washed away. Who would want to sit in filth after a good bath?
I have become particularly conscious of not accumulating bad karmas anymore. After all I cant afford to get such a rugged bath one more time 😊
After lots of churning of thoughts and ideas through past so many years I finally have come to know what I actually wanted to do in life. This may be quite late as I am already 43 years old, half the way through life, but I don’t have any regrets. As they say “its always better late than never”. At least I could manage to reach the point when things inside your mind are crystal clear. Now I know what is right for me. Blessed are those who could reach there.
Probably we need all the struggle, experiences, sorrows and pains to get the ability to see through those troublesome hazy times, to see what lies beyond that veil. Its one’s personal decision to choose whether he wants to see positives or negatives. Life gives an equal opportunity to all of us.
All of you will find yourself standing on that juncture some day, If you have not so far, trying to see through that veil. It is the veil of confusion, ambiguity, helplessness. We try to figure out whether something lies beyond that or is that the end. That’s the time when you loose faith…. in everything…..including yourself.
You are on ground zero. Its tough…and the tough one survives by keeping hope somehow and paddling through. If you are alive you have to keep moving. That’s the only way. Some people need a little push and some are strong enough to push themselves as well as others. But one has to keep moving. If you are one of those who need a push I would suggest observe and follow the strong. See how they are self motivated. They are not rigid and they don’t crib.
Believe me each and everyone of us has his share of challenges. We all have to face it…. That’s an important part of life. That makes us grow as human beings. Its for our good provided we change our perspective and look at it from a different angle.
God helps those who help themselves. These are the real testing times when we need patience and faith. Faith, that this bad phase too will end. There will definitely be bright , happy days after this. We are the one who make it look scary, thinking only about problems and nor their solutions.
I always believed that there are multiple solutions to each problem, available for you to choose from as per your choice & convenience.
Isn’t it great ?